‘Fuck!’ I shouted and the depths of my cave-like diaphragm echoed ‘Shut up!’ with such monstrous base, I toppled over and found myself seated on the ground.
This is the civil war within me. Even my thoughts form unintended anagrams, where times I convince myself to ‘avoid the pain’ shifts violently and leaves me to believe there are dues that must be laid down and reminds me ‘I have not paid’.
Today leaves me ill with puzzles and letters to myself I need to decipher first.
Painting again and prideful in it…but I think I am to let loose what’s on the inside. My mind won’t shut up, it’s nagging me, pulling heart strings and memories and confusing me in a tangled mess of emotions and rationalities. I just want to do things sometimes without thinking, without worry for repercussions…but they’re there, and I can’t forget the lessons I’ve learned. I catch words on my tongue like snowflakes. I turn my head before staring too long, before I’m caught looking. Run away before my brain takes me with it, before my heart chooses a random string to pull a knotted mess with it.
So let it all pour into watercolors and make the tangles into tentacles.
Me- “I haven’t shaved my legs in a week.”
Mom- “that’s how you can tell you don’t have a boyfriend.”
Guess when I’m ready to date again I’ll have to bust out the machete.
Just as a drug dealer never uses his own products in times of turmoil, take heed, and do not fall in love with your own art in times of heartbreak.
Dad trying to figure out what kind of coffee mom buys:
Dad- “it’s Verona right?”
Dad- “no I know you buy Verona”
Mom- “no you’re wrong”
Dad- “you’d tell the Pope that he’s wrong.”
Mom- “well if he was telling me what I buy, and he’s wrong, then yes I’d have to tell him”
Done with my pity party, emotionally drained and life doesn’t pause. Bigger things in life than my relationships. Grandma’s doctor appointment today resulted in that she weighs only 104lbs, and her cholesterol is too high, gotta help her and retrieve new meds. I just made an appointment for the aunt to get hearing aides so perhaps I won’t wake up to infomercials blasting at 4am. Just received financial aid confirmations…only a 20k loan offered, I’ve yet to be in debt to school but I guess this is where I start. Text books came in the mail and new advisors are calling. Work starts in a few weeks, minimum wage for maximum hours. Luckily I enjoy the job. I have a wedding to prepare for and answers to get: Will I have a place to stay? Can I ride with the parentals or must I drive to Miami on my own? Also I need to tell the bride that my plus one will no longer be coming.
It took me a few days, and I’m not yet on track… at least I’m starting to kick against the current again.
Alright 5am. Sure why not.